"Manwich - now Keto-Friendly" (manwich)
05/11/2016 at 22:46 • Filed to: None
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"Manwich - now Keto-Friendly" (manwich)
05/11/2016 at 22:46 • Filed to: None | 0
| 12 |
Imagine you’ve gone crazy, evil and suddenly have a simultaneous desire to sell cars and screw people over as much as possible.
Give your Stealership a name and the top 5 ways you would screw people over.
not for canada - australian in disguise
> Manwich - now Keto-Friendly
05/11/2016 at 22:56 |
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McFuckerson Motors
-Literally stealing people’s cars when they take them in for service.
-Take expensive sports cars on high speed police chases.
-Use trucks that people come in with to rob banks with.
-Sell people Nissan Micras for 50 grand, by telling them that the car has a rare colour.
-Swap out people’s engines for rotaries, and don’t tell them about the swap until that apex seal wears out.
I wouldn’t be a very good car salesman.
MLGCarGuy
> Manwich - now Keto-Friendly
05/11/2016 at 22:56 |
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Not A Stealership Motors
1. Mark up all cars
2. Install all accessories
3. Sell the car you’re buying to another person when you come to pick it up
4. No test drives
5. The cars arrive in parts, you have to pay the service center to re-install all of them before you can drive the car home.
Birddog
> Manwich - now Keto-Friendly
05/11/2016 at 22:57 |
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It’s already been done man.
Wobbles the Mind
> Manwich - now Keto-Friendly
05/11/2016 at 23:10 |
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Integrity Automotive
1. Standard 2 year/30,000 mile extended warranty.
2. Complimentary 24 point inspection after 6 months from sale date.
3. Deal in low mileage Lexus and Toyota products exclusively.
4. 0% APR for all terms up to 72 months for just a 5% charge of the vehicle’s sale price after tax and title (taxes then applied after).
5. All vehicles include a 7% list price charge for dealer processing (which includes the standard extended warranty, one complimentary 24 point inspection after 6 months ownership, and free pre-sale detailing and wash).
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Manwich - now Keto-Friendly
> not for canada - australian in disguise
05/11/2016 at 23:21 |
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McFuckerson... or Mac-Fuck-yer-son?
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not for canada - australian in disguise
> Manwich - now Keto-Friendly
05/11/2016 at 23:24 |
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Both.
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Manwich - now Keto-Friendly
> not for canada - australian in disguise
05/11/2016 at 23:28 |
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One other thing...
“-Swap out people’s engines for rotaries, and don’t tell them about the swap until that apex seal wears out.”
And when it does, have the service tech say ‘don’t worry... it just needs a seal. No big deal...’
DrJohannVegas
> Manwich - now Keto-Friendly
05/12/2016 at 00:06 |
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Potemkin Motors
- We don’t actually sell cars. We haggle for hours on end, but always “just can’t get our manager to go that low.” Always.
- All of our service coffee is decaf.
- We don’t actually do oil changes, we just reset the oil light.
- We offer complimentary rides to work for service visits. Just not your work.
- We only have two single-occupancy customer bathrooms, which are always locked and have speakers inside playing “distress” noises on loop.
DKerstan
> Manwich - now Keto-Friendly
05/12/2016 at 00:12 |
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“Family Automotive Sales”
- Offer an inexpensive extended warranty, deny all claims
- Processing fees that only appear on the final sales contract
- Telling people wear items need replacement.
- Bait and switch.
- Yo-yo financing.
LongbowMkII
> Manwich - now Keto-Friendly
05/12/2016 at 06:09 |
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Tavarish Motors
Claim that all maintenance has been done. Only do half.
Say that the car had a minor accident when it had a major, frame damaging one and sat in a salvage lot all winter with no doors.
Wash/detail craigslist beaters and charge 300% of buying price.
Claim that the car is at the bottom of its depreciation curve and rebounding when it has at least another decade before it does.
Expo2k
> Manwich - now Keto-Friendly
05/12/2016 at 06:59 |
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This is gonna be some Fireman-Comics-grade NSFW.
First, I have to re-watch this training video:
OK.
So, at Big Expo’s Brougham Berlinetta World-o-Speed EXtreme (that’s Big Expo’s “BBW-SEX”, which will be my dealer plate):
-Insult customers with profanity on a constant basis so those stupid motherfuckers know who’s BOSS. Warranty claims? Nope, just customer stupidity (and billing corporate for warranty repairs).
-Keep only 1990?-1992? GM products on the lot. They all come with Lundegaard-spec TruCoat from the factory, so there’s nothing you can do for those stupid assholes about the price, so sorry, but you can stretch the payments on that 1992 Camaro RS up to 108 months at only $399 per! Also, the cars are stolen and are VIN-swapped, but you offer bargain mandatory VIN-etching that’s ‘invisible.’
-Bang the dipshits’ significant others, especially wives, for a false promise of lower pricing (save the TruCoat and term-stretching above for after you do this). This lets the customer know you’re ‘one of them,’ especially if she gets pregnant. You’ll certainly be on the same (legal) page as the customer when you all have Hepatitis C, since you’ll falsely sue THEM for giving it to YOU. By the time they leave your stealership, they’ll be too indebted to afford a lawyer anyway.
-Offer urination distance challenges as a special promo challenge for predatory financing (that they would get anyway). You brought the Hep to the party, so have your guests spread it around since you can finally afford that new cure!
-Threaten legal action and violence preemptively to show you’re a firm bargainer and in tight with the local corrupt constabulary. If they give you even a hint of resistance, have a bribe-sanctioned cop take them downtown for financing and warranty.
CaptDale - is secretly British
> Manwich - now Keto-Friendly
05/12/2016 at 14:50 |
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Captain Dale’s Car Sales
-Replace airbags with confetti cannons
-Re badge lower trims as higher ones (se to sle or honda to acura)
-Use Chinese tires
-Add lots of fees in the finance deal
-Add fees for stuff that should come with the car (floor mats etc.)